Hoors? Yeah... Hoors. Prostitutes, Tarts, Hookers, Ladies of Negotiable Affection, call them what you will. For 8 years or so I lived in granite tenement. My Neighbours Were Hoors. Sadly for us all (!?) the brothel was closed down and I moved out of the area. I never did get around to writing about the court case though...

Monday, April 30, 2007

The Hoor Census

Which Grey Toonser or ex pat of the Grey Toon can claim they have no knowledge of The 24 Hour Porn And Popper Shop?

Yes. I can hear you all sigh in reminiscence of the time you stumbled up there at 4am to purchase a nice apple pie, a bottle of fizzy wine for 99p and a few bags of those bizarre Norwegian cracker things that have been reduced to 25p because they're 3 months past their sell by date (not that anyone would notice because these things are like rocks anyway).

You'd probably have been served by a small child, despite the late hour and there would have been about 10 other people in there all also tempted in by the promise of cheap fizzy wine (ach, screw the licencing laws), mince pies, and sherbert dip dabs all at an hour at which most other shops will be shut. My dad once told me the only reason they keep it open is that if they close, someone breaks in.

Obviously, for legal and slanderous reasons, I'm not going to name this shop. Also I'm a coward and am scared they'll come after me and beat me up with a packet of rock hard norwegian cracker breads. Suffice to say it might just be near George St.

Anyway. It's name. It's honorific. It's called The Dodgy 24 Hour Porn and Popper Shop for a reason. It sells more porn than I have ever seen in my LIFE (except maybe on that trip to Amsterdam where I was surprised to find not one, but two (!) issues of "Horse Loving Transvestite"). They don't have a top shelf, they have a whole wall of the stuff. (And a small section reserved for such distasteful mags as Gardener's Weekly and the Radio Times.) And if you ask nicely, they have a good selection of poppers* behind the cash desk.

When I used to go in there during my student years (Sherbert DipDabs and Norwegian Crackerbreads with cottage cheese being essential for the studying mind), I saw something else in there...

For in those days, it also had a small discreet booklet. A valuable document most valuable to the punters of the Grey Toon. It hung on a rusty nail behind the door next to the wall of porn and was yellowing and well thumbed. Further investigation all those years ago also informed me that it was regularly updated with the odd page added with a staple or two to the back. I believe it was entitled "Saunas and Massage Parlours of The Grey Toon"

Even back then before my familiarisation with the GreyToon's prostitution industry, I was surprised at what a vast range of friendly services are available in our fine city...

* Amyl Nitrate for those of you wot don't know.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Grey Toon Hoors !

It is my great pleasure, to bamf you over to a fellow Grey Toonser's blog where he has achieved something I never had the guts to do. Yes folks, Darren was able to lean out his window and take photos of the hoors arranging business there! (Outside a very recogniseable blue and yellow door.)

Linky: http://moblog.co.uk/view.php?id=242474

On behalf of all the hoors neighbours of the world, Darren, I'd like to congratulate you on your
a) photographic skills and b) dedication to the cause :)

Also - a thought. She does look a bit like the Carol Vorderman Hoor. This one looks like she has teeth though.

Darren, I salute you!

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Welcome to the Brothel!

I can't remember if I ever wrote about this, but we were talking about it in the pub the other night.

Once, long ago in the late 90's, we (the residents of the tenement) found out that Our Neighbours Were Hoors.

Our first reactions on discovering this? Well, they included gossiping between neighbours behind closed doors over cups of tea (and in the case of the dead man, a Tennents Stubby), reporting them to the honorable polis of the grey toon (who didn't really care), and watching the sweet little old lady across the road note down the registration number of every car that parked outside. My father at this time made a point of telling everyone who would listen that his daughter lived there and he was just doing a bit of DIY for her and definitely wasn't a "visiting uncle."

Our first emotions? Well, they varied from stunned shock to indignant NIMBY* outrage to exasperated acceptance.

And it was during this final emotion that our old upstairs neighbour, J (Hi J!), was sorting the mail one day at the bottom of the stairs when a punter was buzzed into the entranceway. I expect, so early on in our knowledge of the brothel, her immediate response was that of flight or fight. And, being a little pissed off at the growing business on our ground floor, her first reaction was to do this (in her best ringmaster style):

"WELCOME TO THE *insert street name* BROTHEL!!!"
And then she did Jazz Hands.

There are very few good excuses in life to do Jazz Hands, and I think dear readers that you'll agree this was one of them.

Wiki link for those of you who don't know what Jazz Hands are

P.S. Typing "jazz hands" into google image search is one of the funniest things I've done... well... ALL DAY!

*NIMBY - Not In My Back Yard!

Saturday, April 07, 2007


So yeah. In my last post I told you about the usual game on the way back from the cinema when you drive home through the tolerance zone. (Hoor spotting).

Well, we had just taken my friend's son to see some kids film or other and we were taking that route so we could get chips on the way home. Despite the heavy rain, there were quite a lot of street hoors out, pacing up and down in their thigh high boots, pouting and smoking and generally looking available for business.

"What are all these women doing standing around?" asked the wean as we drove past a group of about 3 of them huddling in the shelter of a phone box.

"Um. They're all waiting for taxis."

"That's a shame for them. They're not wearing very much... and it's raining" Aw. Bless.

"Ah yes. Well I'm sure some taxis will be along very soon"

"Oh, look! There's a nice man stopping to give one of them a lift!"