Hoors? Yeah... Hoors. Prostitutes, Tarts, Hookers, Ladies of Negotiable Affection, call them what you will. For 8 years or so I lived in granite tenement. My Neighbours Were Hoors. Sadly for us all (!?) the brothel was closed down and I moved out of the area. I never did get around to writing about the court case though...

Thursday, September 22, 2005

A milestone!

Wow... it looks like I'm getting close to my 50,000th visitor!

A figure I'm sure the hoors passed many months ago...

Anyway, I thought I could celibrate this momentus occasion by giving away a gift. Yes! I am BUYING your friendship... The gift would be
the beautiful garment on the right which I picked up on holiday last year in Vegas.

My original intention was to give it to them as a nice gift (as I originally spoke about >here. But I chickened out and I think this would be the perfect gift for my 50,000th visitor.

I'll update this post closer to the time once I've figured out how to identify that lucky 50,000th visitor.

Hurrah! Hoor Pants! :D

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Groundforce [1] - Tillydrone Style

Aaaah the last few days of Summer! BBQ's! Fresh walks in the countryside! DIY!

My Tillydrone Correspondant writes...

The neighbours have been doing some remodelling of the environs......

Bucolic summer days are enough to make even the most black fingered among us believe that there's an Alan Titchmarsh [2] trapped inside us, just waiting to get out.

I've therefore spent the last few months trying to coax, well anything to grow in my back garden. Finally as we near the end of summer I have 2 tattie plants and 4 broad bean bushes. And a forest of dandelions. I should have learned from my neighbours that destruction is far more fun, and has a far more drastic affect on your surroundings. And it is cheaper and doesn't take so long

In the last couple of weeks they've managed to fell a 20m high chestnut tree and uproot all of the traffic control bollards to create that classic "hurricane's just swept through" look. Chealsea Flower Show [3]
here we come......

N.B. For our american friends:
[1] Groundforce: BBC TV Program in which a TV crew and assorted "TV Gardeners" do up someone's grotty patch of garden in an attempt to make interesting television. They once surprised a bemused Nelson Mandela with some nice decking and a water feature.
[2] Presenter of said Groundforce. Looks a bit sinister. Once wrote a book now found under the section "Gardening Pornography"
[3] Big flower show in London Village. Upwardly Mobile middle class couples in silly hats admire gardens that the upper class have got their lower class gardeners to put all their efforts into so that they can take all the credit and go "Fwah Fwah. Lovely Champagne! Do you like my Pergola?"

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Who used to live in my flat?

Now that some bastard has slashed both tyres on my bike, I thought I'd check to see if I could fit it outside in my coal sheddie - A place I've not been since oooohhh 1998 when i first moved in?

Full with all sorts of shite! All sorts I tell you!
And from the contents of the sheddie... This is what I have surmised about the person that used to live in my flat:

Item 1) An Agatha Christie Book: Leads me to believe that the inhabitant was a little old lady who liked a good read.

Item 2) A chest of drawers (white) containing an old biro (chewed) and a large magnifying glass: Inhabitant was a little old lady who not only liked a good read but also likes a good mystery to solve.

Item 3) A handbag: It's all coming together!

Item 4) Containing... an old bank statement! : So. An aging amateur detective who shops at... ASDA and... B&Q!!

Item 5) An axe. OK. I have to rethink. Perhaps... Perhaps!!! It's a little old lady who reads crime novels (which she buys in Asda) so as best to know how to KILL PEOPLE! HORRIBLY BRUTALLY! With the AXE she's just bought in B&Q!!!

Item 6) A mouldy old plastic Christmas Tree: Because even octagenarian axe murderer likes Christmas.

Item 7) Steel toe-capped wellies: For she may be a really bad aim with that axe what with her eyes going and all...

Item 8) A wasps nest and an ice skate (honest!) Because once she's got the victim STUNG TO DEATH and hacked up... she's going to skate across a frozen loch, break a hole in the ice and dispose of the body that way.

What do you think?
I won't give up my day job :P