Hoors? Yeah... Hoors. Prostitutes, Tarts, Hookers, Ladies of Negotiable Affection, call them what you will. For 8 years or so I lived in granite tenement. My Neighbours Were Hoors. Sadly for us all (!?) the brothel was closed down and I moved out of the area. I never did get around to writing about the court case though...

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Who used to live in my flat?

Now that some bastard has slashed both tyres on my bike, I thought I'd check to see if I could fit it outside in my coal sheddie - A place I've not been since oooohhh 1998 when i first moved in?

Full with all sorts of shite! All sorts I tell you!
And from the contents of the sheddie... This is what I have surmised about the person that used to live in my flat:

Item 1) An Agatha Christie Book: Leads me to believe that the inhabitant was a little old lady who liked a good read.

Item 2) A chest of drawers (white) containing an old biro (chewed) and a large magnifying glass: Inhabitant was a little old lady who not only liked a good read but also likes a good mystery to solve.

Item 3) A handbag: It's all coming together!

Item 4) Containing... an old bank statement! : So. An aging amateur detective who shops at... ASDA and... B&Q!!

Item 5) An axe. OK. I have to rethink. Perhaps... Perhaps!!! It's a little old lady who reads crime novels (which she buys in Asda) so as best to know how to KILL PEOPLE! HORRIBLY BRUTALLY! With the AXE she's just bought in B&Q!!!

Item 6) A mouldy old plastic Christmas Tree: Because even octagenarian axe murderer likes Christmas.

Item 7) Steel toe-capped wellies: For she may be a really bad aim with that axe what with her eyes going and all...

Item 8) A wasps nest and an ice skate (honest!) Because once she's got the victim STUNG TO DEATH and hacked up... she's going to skate across a frozen loch, break a hole in the ice and dispose of the body that way.

What do you think?
I won't give up my day job :P

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