Hoors? Yeah... Hoors. Prostitutes, Tarts, Hookers, Ladies of Negotiable Affection, call them what you will. For 8 years or so I lived in granite tenement. My Neighbours Were Hoors. Sadly for us all (!?) the brothel was closed down and I moved out of the area. I never did get around to writing about the court case though...

Saturday, April 30, 2005

From my Tillydrone Correspondant...

"Neighbour of the Hoors" (my friend doesn't actually call me this. But I CLING to my anonymity like a Big Brother Contestant does to their 15 minutes of fame...),

"Dunno if one of your hoors has been on a fieldtrip...

Was walking to work today - was running a bit late and feeling a bit brave so decided to take a detour through darkest central Tillydrone.

All was as quiet as you would expect on a Monday morning in a place where few people have work to rush to and the blossom of the trees managed to lull me into a springlike reverie. That was until I noticed that the branch of one of the trees was covered with something which was definitely not blossom. No. Someone had thoughtfully covered up the spring flowers with a beautiful black lace crotchless g-string and matching peep hole bra. Perhaps the property of a horticultural hoor or one with a head for heights and a great sense of balance???

Wednesday, April 27, 2005


OK so I've not updated for a while. This is partially due to Apathy. (So powerful an influence it gets a capital letter)

However the real reason is this:

Things are suspiciously quiet down there (I mean in the brothel. I'm not about to start bitter posts about my love life ;))

It's not like the good old days when we'd have two hoors having a cat fight in the street!

Or when the madam used to stand on the doorstep looking like an extra from 1960's Coronation Street!

Or when The Dead Man would come and rant to me about "what those WIMMIN have been up to!"

I'm actually starting to wonder if they've been evicted or something... Mail is still arriving for them though, so I guess they are still in existance.

Anyway! To entertain you whilst the hoors are too busy entertaining to be entertaining... I present to you a NEW WRITER to My Neighbours Are Hoors!

Yes... my good friend who has been living over the other side of town for about 6 months has discovered that her neighbours are just as interesting. And, in fact, HER NEIGHBOURS WERE HOORS! Except they've just been EVICTED! For PRRRROSTITUTION! Seeing as how most of you know where The Grey Toon is by now, I have no shame in presenting to you...


First post coming soon ;)

Monday, April 11, 2005

BLOOD! - an epilogue

OK, so when I saw the trail of blood the other day, I automatically assumed that it was leading to our tenemment. I never considered for a minute that it might actually be leading FROM the tenemment.

Those of you who have been reading for a while may remember the The Bloody Great Screw of Death. Which I predicted, back in September last year could only lead to grief.

And so it seems it has! There is blood on the front door (and with the door being a Lighter Shade of Vomit Yellow, it shows up quite well) and someone has taken a saw to the Bloody Great Screw of Death.

So there. The Mystery of the Trail Of Blood solved.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005


How entertaining is it to follow a trail of blood on your way home from the pub?

Most amusing! Well I found it to be amusing after a few pints... Sort of like a sordid version of Hansel and Gretel.

Skip, skip, skip! Follow the blood! Follow it past the post office, past the chipper, past the strange shop with the begonias in the window. Skip past the newsagent, still following those little red spots. Skip towards my block of flats (tennnemmmment for those of you who like to criticise my drunken spelling!) Marvel at how the trail of blood actually stops at our door.

*Stop and ponder for a while*

*Unlock the door and tear up the stairs like Freddy Kreuger himself is hot on your heals*