The Dodgy Screw (aka Gaaaah! part 4!)

Bloody Door.
Bloody Lock.
Bloody banging of door in the wind, bloody lack of security and bloody missing underwear (which has never turned up, by the way)

So the knackered old door has now been kicked in by stupid fecking neds so many times that nothing short of 3 Giant Screws of Death will be needed to hold the lock on. As I said before, there's already one of these protruding out onto the street side of the door but I'm tempted to go to B&Q after work and get some more.

And then putting up a notice.

The notice will go something like this.

"The security of residents and businesses in this tennements is important to us all, I'm sure you'll agree.

This door and it's lock will not take any more kicking-in.

Thus I suggest that you PLEASE tell all your dodgy ned mates, alcoholic uncles, drug dealers and PUNTERS to please stop kicking the sodding thing in!

And while I'm at it. Would whoever has blocked the back door with a gargantuan lawnmower for the past three months please remove it? It is bigger than our ACTUAL FUCKING GARDEN

Thank you very much."

Nae Oor Hoors!

David asked me in a comment on the 18th september, "so what kind of hoors are they? the crackhoor type with all the imagerty that implies? Or just regular looking women whom one would never suspect such a profession seeing them out of a brothel context?"

Well! How do I answer this?
Some of them are stunning... Stunning like they could do something with their looks rather than selling themselves for a living. In an Ebony Diva kind of way they kind of stick out round here but I wouldn't say it's obvious what they do for a living...

Some of them... Well. I _was_ going to do this post a month back when I met one of the cockney hoors (as opposed to the ones from Leeds or Bristol or wherever) coming out of the flat. Lets just say 'pink lycra, peroxide and a face to match her cowboy boots.' A little old before her time perhaps. But still, I wouldn't say she was a crack hoor, no.

They tend to hang about down at the harbour. They tend to be young, thin, pale and a bit mingin' looking. Except for the one that looks like Stevie Nicks. She always manages to have a bit of class about her.

Now. I have heard a rumor. And that rumor is this:

Apparently... there's a one-legged hoor down at the harbour. I'm trying really hard to think of one of my usual crap puns. But so far they have evaded me.

If you can think of a suitable pun or have heard the one-legged-hoor rumour yourself - do let me know, sweeties?

The sad demise of Belle De Jour!

Sadly, I've just found out by comment from McFox that the fantastic Belle De Jour (aka Diary Of A London Callgirl) is to end!

This is a fantastic blog, probably one of the first I ever read - but sadly the writer has decided to call it a day.

BBC news report

Now tantalisingly, there is a link at the top of her blog to amazon... click here.

Does this mean she's got a book deal? Does anyone know for sure? Let me know! If so, YOU GO GIRL! I've preordered it.

Maybe some day soon my hoors downstairs will write a book...

Anyway. Cheers lassie! :)

Hoor Haiku 2

My muse Angela (who looks good in a sack!) has informed me that a Haiku has to have something to do with the seasons.

So!
I present a second attempt!


Hoor Haiku 2
Hoors live below me
Knickers fall like autumn leaves
If they wear them, like

Hoor Haiku #1

Well the hoors have been quiet for a wee while now... So I thought I'd brighten up my blog a little by the introduction of a new medium: The Haiku.

According to http://home.clara.net/pka/haiku/haiku.htm,
- a haiku usually has 17 syllables, often in the form 5-7-5.
- a haiku can describe almost anything
- you seldom find complicated themes in a haiku.

In fact, according to http://www.toyomasu.com/haiku/#howtowritehaiku, "some of the most thrilling haiku poems describe daily situations in a way that gives the reader a brand new experience of a well known situation.

Thus educated, I present here my first attempt:

my neighbours arehoors
men they service in their flat
cockney hoors are they

Search Engines

This is going to be a very short one... I've just signed up for this thing where you can find out how people are linking to your site... and I found a lot of funny stuff - thanks to everyone linking to me! :)

But the best was this...

A google search on "brothel" and "interior decorating"...
...


...

...
(stifles a giggle)

Interesting Social Experiment

Coo!

According to Blogshares, My Neighbours Are Hoors is categorised as "Social Commentary."

Does this put me in the same league as The Baghdad Blog and Charles Dickens?

GAAAAH! part 3.

Well...
The door HAS been fixed.

But it has been fixed by a Bloody Great Screw of Death which is protruding through the outside of the door by at least 1 1/2 sharp centimeters... I'm considering going down with a wee hammer and flattening it's sharp nastiness or just sawing the tip off. (I feel you men cringe).

Hmm. I wonder...

If you're in Asdas and there's a foosty old cabbage on the floor and you stand on it and go skiting off into the display of chicken curry pies thus dislocating your shoulder... Then you can sue them right? And I assume they must have some sort of insurance?

So. If you're a punter and there's a foosty old sharp screw sticking out of the brothel door and you lacerate your hand on it... What then? Can you sue a Hoor? Do they have insurance for bad screws?

Gaaaaah Again

Since last night, the rest of the lock has been ripped off the door and thrown on the ground.

The hall outside the Hoors and Council Man is flooded.

I mean... WTF!?!?

Gaaaah!

Just before I went away for the weekend, I was delighted to find the door to the tennement had been fixed. I was going to fluff happily on about it when I got back. I was going to stick up a notice thanking the fix-er for his/her hard work. That was on friday.

BUT!!!

I come home today and what do i find? Some bloody bastard has kicked the door in again! I mean... HELLO!?!

Just because your druggie mates don't have a key to the tennement it doesn't mean you can just kick in the newly fixed door!
GAAH!

help wanted

So... does anyone know of a web page where you can "dress up" a "doll" ?

You know... like when you were a kid you got those cardboard doll things and then cut out clothes to put on them with silly paper tags... They always fell off and then got sucked up the hoover leaving poor cardboard dolly displaying her carboard qualities to the world...

Anyway. Somewhere on the net there MUST be something like that... If anyone knows of on - then I can have a dress up hoor dolly and copy our hoor's outfits everytime I pass them in the hallway.

Let me know!

Gardyloo!*

My Neighbours are Hoors - and 18th Century Peasants!!!

Or so it seems anyway. You come home from a wedding. You park your car. You get out of your car and as you are locking it, you sigh as you hear the 24 Hour Party People partying with the window open. You grumble as you make your way down the street to your tennement. You panick as you hear them go "Heymin! Dinna bother waitin' fur him tae get oot! Just CHUCK IT OOT THE WINDAE!"

Was I being paranoid that I panicked and crossed the road and waited 5 minutes in the shadows before daring to tiptoe across the road and up to my flat? I didn't get covered in a bucket of pee though.


* Gardlyloo. (gär' dè lòò'). interj. (a cry formerly used in Scotland to warn pedestrians when slops were about to be thrown from an upstairs window.) [Anglicized form of F gare (de) l'eau beware of the water] (Webster's New Universal Unabridged Dictionary, © 1989 - Dilithium Press, Ltd.)