Dirty Shagging Tillydrone Bastards

More from my Tillydrone Correspondant...

So I just got back from a month away to find used condoms in my back lawn - Me (and my lovely lawn) feel violated.

The main problem is that they were found by my dad who came round with his strimmer to help me get rid of the triffids which had flourished during my month of respite!

The thing is, my lawn is fairly secluded (by almost living in Tillydrone standards anyway) so I have a list of lawn shagging suspects. these are:

1. Girl who has been watering my plants - but she is far too nice (and going through man angst so unlikely to have a lawn-sex partner)
2. Pissing postie - no way would any sentient being go near that man's cock - I should know....
3. Land grabbing round the back neighbours - has potential as their garden is full of rubble and not a suitable place for making sweet love
4. Neighbours next door who stare at everything - should perhaps talk to them they're bound to have had an eyeful anyway but it is not the best way to introduce yourself to someone: 'Hi there! I'm your next door neighbour... Have you seen anyone shagging in my garden?'
5. Population of Tillydrone (or perhaps some kind of Tillydrone/Woodside Romeo + Juliet situation where star crossed lovers can only meet in neutral locations- like my fecking back garden!) - but this _would_ involve them learning about contraceptives...

So, the jury is out...

Another definition: A Hoorin' Minger/A Mingin' Hoor

Right.
Apparently I need to put another definition on here. This is only vaguely relevant because of the word "hoor" being present... but it was drawn to my attention in the pub last night that I need to differentiate between my drunkenly slurred insults of "a hoorin' minger!" and "a mingin' hoor."

Hoor - a prostitute
Hoorin' - very much so/awfully (e.g. Look at the rain! It's hoorin' it down!)
Minger - An ugly or person, a person who doesn't look after themselves too well.
Mingin' - Smelly/dirty or ugly

Hence "a hoorin' minger" is someone who is REALLY ugly and a mingin' hoor is a smelly or ugly prostitute.

I think I've made everything clear. I also had it pointed out to me that the use of certain celebrities for clarification would be unwise because of the ensuing legal prosecutions.

Smells

You know how sometimes a certain smell will take you right back to a time and place?

I came in to the building today and breathed in... And was magically whisked off (nasally) to... Las Vegas!

I'm not sure if this is because the building smells of excitement! Hedonism! All night partying! Money! Champagne! The perfume of the Rich and Famous! Splendour! Sequinned Glamour Girls!

Or if it smells of beer, stale cocktails, cigars and dog-ends, tramps outside $30 wedding chapels, and old women who've been sat at the same machine for 48 hours churning quarters into the same "I Love Lucy" slot machine.