My Neighbours Are Hoors!: Salvation!

Thursday, June 10, 2004

Salvation!

Usually, when I come home from work and park my car across the street and there is someone standing perusing the buzzers, I sit in my car and wait til they go in or give up and go away. Sometimes they stay there a LONG time. A Long Long time. And so I give up and stomp into the building past them.

This one time though. I wasn't in the mood for hanging around at all and when I saw two guys hanging around outside the tenement with clipboards browsing the buzzers I just decided to park my car and stomp past them. This I did. I didn't want to think of this particular Punter/Hoor/Punter/Clipboard fetish for any longer than I had to. However... They were in the way.

"Excuse me," said a beaming, smartly dressed American.
"Yes?" says I.
"We're trying to get someone to answer a buzzer in this here block of flats" says the other. Also beaming and smartly dressed.
"Yes?" says I.
"Do you live here?" asks no 1.
"Yeeessss?" says I.
"What about these other here buzzers?" asks no 2.
"Ummm. Well... This one is offshore..." I point to the buzzers, "This one is empty... This one does night shift... This one will still be at work... This one is also empty... This one is me... This guy I don't know... And this one here... ummm. I don't know about."
"Ah well!" enthuses no 1. "We're from The Church of the Latter Day Saints..."
"Ah!" says I. The beaming-ness and the smart dress... And the aura of good-ness. I can tell you all about Mormon Missionaries. In fact... That is a WHOLE different blog! Perhaps I'll get around to it later.

Anyway. I continue, politely: "I'm afraid I'm already following my own religion.... Although! I do respect what you folks do and how you're fighting the good fight and all that, I'm afraid I'm not up for converting"

"Well! Thanks for being so straight with us ma'am! It sure is appreciated, he beams"
We shake hands and I put my key towards the lock.

"Ah... before you go... is there anyone else here you think may be in need of some salvation?"

Me (pausing with a key half way into the lock): *evil soap opera grin*

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Cast of Main Players

Back in 2006, I decided to list the main players in my blog in a handy column to ease any reader's confusion. That, and I wanted The Nice Neighbours to read this before they thought I was slagging them off and were likely to come downstairs to beat me up with a big hammer!

This is the text as it stood in January 2006.

NEIGHBOUR OF TEH HOORS - i.e. ME. I have been living above a brothel for almost eight years. The novelty still hasn't worn off.

THE HOORS live on the ground floor in a one bedroom flat and are Prostitutes. They aren't from round these parts, but come up to The Grey Toon from places like London, Liverpool, Bristol and Birmingham because the The Grey Toon is tolerant and full of oil money.

THE DEAD MAN is the (ex?) alcoholic who used to look like a Zombie. Has been looking very healthy lately, so I think he's given up the drink.

THE COUNCIL MAN livesw on the ground floor opposite the hoors and is a very nice man. He works for the council and once offered me the use of his drain rods.

SHETLAND BOY lives with his girlfriend in the flat above me. Both are ideal neighbours. Not actually from Shetland. I think one of my friends thought he was and so the name stuck.

SHETLAND GIRL owns the flat next to Shetland Boy and is also very lovely. She has moved out though, and her Little Brother lives there now. Again, not actually from Shetland.

LITTLE BROTHER/BUSTED now live in Shetland Girl's flat. Seemed to be very polite spikey haired youths until they started holding chimp's tea parties but with Tennents and not Tetleys.

TNWTCH or, The Neighbour With The Cool Hair - lives next to me (Edit from 2012 - lovely, lovely bloke who I ever bump into when I'm steamin'). One couldn't wish for a better neighbour.

THE BOY - is my boyfriend who moved in a month or so ago. So far he is not put off by the fact his girlfriend lives above a brothel.