Hoors? Yeah... Hoors. Prostitutes, Tarts, Hookers, Ladies of Negotiable Affection, call them what you will. For 8 years or so I lived in granite tenement. My Neighbours Were Hoors. Sadly for us all (!?) the brothel was closed down and I moved out of the area. I never did get around to writing about the court case though...

Monday, February 19, 2007

"My Neighbours Don't Like Me"

Hot on the heels of someone googling for "What should I do if I suspect someone is running a brothel?" someone has googled for "What should I do if my neighbours don't like me."

Aww. Once again I am going to be your friendly neighbourhood Agony Aunt. (Another top 10)

1) Give them lots of money.

2) Live with it. You could be lucky. You could have undesireables for your neighbours. You know... People you don't want for neighbours? Prostitutes? Drug Dealers? Nazis? Talking from experience here you know...

3) Bake them a cake. People like cakes. They might suddenly develop a certain fondness for you... either that or decide you're trying to poison them, talk about themselves about it and then they'll all hate you even more.

4) Start up a brothel. Offer freebies to neighbours.

5) Buy some drain rods. Offer your neighbours a shottie.

6) Move in next door to Cliff Richard. He loves everyone. (I was going to write Jesus, but some people might have taken offence. Actually. Maybe "Cliff Richard loves everyone" is a false statement. See me google for "Who does Cliff Richard hate?")

7) Park considerately. (Unlike those bastards out there with their 4x4s taking up two spaces. Do we live in the country up some muddy dirt track!?! NO! We do not. Bastards. Death to everyone who buys a 4x4 or a people carrier just to go to fucking Tescos. </rant>)

8) Stop playing Celine Dion on repeat! Jeeez.

9) Stop feeding their cat laxatives. Jeeeez.

10) Become a hermit. Buy a hut on a hillside outside Dundee, put mud in your hair, grow a Brian Blessed beard, learn to drool, throw dung at passers by.

No comments: