Hoors? Yeah... Hoors. Prostitutes, Tarts, Hookers, Ladies of Negotiable Affection, call them what you will. For 8 years or so I lived in granite tenement. My Neighbours Were Hoors. Sadly for us all (!?) the brothel was closed down and I moved out of the area. I never did get around to writing about the court case though...

Saturday, August 21, 2004

The Welsh Dumpling

I was thinking about The Welsh Dumpling and how she's not been seen for so long.

She used to be the Madame of the House (of Negotiable Affection) and, sadly, I only ever had one encounter with her.

I was happily skipping down the stairs in my steel toe caps (which I wear for work, not for kicking people) at 7am and poor sleepy-headed Welsh Dumpling opened the door to the Hoor's flat.

"Good Morning" she croaked in a beautiful Valley lilt (honestly, she did!) "Do you live above me?"

I stopped on the bottom stair. I was Torn between being amused at the Welsh Dumpling (whom I'd read about on the "Which Hoor" webpage - see my post on 15 March 2004) and being guilty about waking the poor woman up. "No, I'm two floors up," I said.

"Oh right," she said sleepily. "It's just that... Well. I know that we ladies here can hardly complain, but whoever lives up there (she points), makes an AWFUL noise - and we're lacking our beauty sleep you see." (You have to read this in your head like Gladys from Hi De Hi to get the full effect)

I apologised for skipping about in my doc martens and told her he (the guy on the first floor) had sanded his floorboards and that was what was making the noise. She smiled and vanished back into her boudoir.

Now. I was delighted to find that the Welsh Dumpling was actually Welsh... and I can imagine that, in the eyes of some old punter, she could be a dumpling... but I have been thinking... And the results of my thoughts were this:

An equation. To describe the welsh dumpling (who is in one word, matronly.) And this can be summed up by the following graphic:

The Welsh Dumpling = Annie Walker off Coronation Street in the 80's + Peggy Mitchell off Eastenders in the 90's + Wales. (There may have been a bit of Tammy Wynette in there too, but I can't imagine the Welsh Dumpling standing by any man for more than 45 minutes.)

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