Ladies and Gentlemen... This is a work in progress.
The following FAQ is based on things I very often get asked about my neighbours... But it's not finished! So... ask me anything you want! Use the comments at the bottom and who knows, I may answer ;)
"THE MY NEIGHBOURS ARE HOORS FAQ"
Your neighbours are WHAT!?
Hoors. They're Hoors. Now, I am vaguely aware that "Hoors" may be lovely Islamic virgins and if someone can put me right on this, I'd be very grateful. Dictionary and google searches have been unsuccessful! MY Hoors are Prostitutes. Ladies of the Night. Hoors is my affectionate term for them. I'm scottish and find the wh word an insulting description for them.
So your neighbours are prostitutes?
Uh... Yes. It's a brothel.
What... with a madam and everything?
Well, they have had a madam, she was known as the Welsh Dumpling in fact - lovely woman... I don't know if she's still there, but they take the calls there and see the men there and there is more than one girl so, yes. It's legally defined a brothel.
So how much do they cost!?
Well... I covered this in a previous post. Here's the link
Do you get discounts or freebies?
They're hoors. Don't be stupid.
But have any of the hoors offered you any free services?
No. But you never know. Perhaps they're secretly good at plumbing or something. If they ever offered to fix my dripping kitchen tap, they'd be welcome.
Can I come and stay with you?
If you don't mind sleeping in a shed...
Where do you live?
You think I'm going to tell you that!?
Bah. So where are the hoors from?
Well... mainly London, Leeds, Birmingham, Bristol that sort of place. My favourites are the cockney hoors. Awright Dahlin'!
What bra size are you?
Oh god. Not this again. I've refused to enter this childish discussion once before and guess what... I'm refusing again! :P
so what kind of hoors are they? the crackhoor type with all the imagerty that implies? Or just regular looking women whom one would never suspect such a profession seeing them out of a brothel context?
Now that I've figured out how to link to a previous post... read this
Assuming of course your only dealings with the hoors are seeing them and what not, would you be able to make a guess if they're worth the money?
Well... based on the following evidence, I think so?
I suppose most of them are quite pretty... Some of them are very good looking and could be off modelling somewhere. One or two have a face like a smacked arse however, but they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
From what I've heard... they provide a wide range of services and get enthusiastic response. Let's just leave it at that, eh ? :D
They have their own flat and don't work on the streets and are therefore relatively clean I suppose...
All the ones I have seen have two legs.
They're good agony aunts (witnessed on a number of occasions)
They know where to take your mum for a good night out in London.
They get birthday cards from their punters.
Tell me what area you live in. Tell me more about you. Devulge it.
Lawks! You're not getting more than A Tennement in Scotland there ;) I don't want cockney hoors banging on my door at all hours demanding to know whether they're the "off modelling somewhere" type or if they look like they have a face like a smacked arse...
We need a picture of you!
Have you ever considered handling any surplus trade from the Hoors?
Ah. Well I guess I knew I'd have to answer a question of this nature at some point... And the answer is No. Not because I consider it below me or anything (the concept of becoming a hoor, not the brothel which is 3 floors below me)... But having read some of the other Hoor Blogs available for our reading pleasure, I reckon I'd follow suit and turn into a man-hater. And we don't want that... do we?!
Have you ever found any punters in compromising situations outside of the hoor-palace?
lol! Hoor Palace! I love that :)
Thankfully the answer to that is NO. I honestly can't imagine the blogging that would follow that kind of thing ! :D
Have any punters, or any hoors for that matter, ever nicked your smalls off the washing line?
Not mine personally... I tend not to hang anything out the back due to the fact it's a jungle. However. I'm pretty sure that the Hoors do cater for that sort of thing as I was once on my way out to sit in the sun one day when what did I see but a thong hanging from the line which could only be describe as "scanty." Later on I went upstairs to my flat to get some juice and on my way back down there was some dodgy looking geezer coming on his way back through from the back garden with a huge leery smile on his face. The scanty thong was gone!!! There's a haiku there I'm sure...
Would you describe yourself as model material or smacked arse?
Hmm... I'm not exactly model material no no no... Nor smacked arse either. Mind you... I did look pretty bad this morning :P
how much buisness do they get :P
Weeellll... I'm pretty sure they do a "good turn of trade" down there (excuse the pun). It's not as obvious as it used to be because they appear to have regular punters now who know which buzzer to press. i.e. I'm not being woken up at all hours these days by people desperate for some negotiable affection ;)
What do the hoors wear? Are we talking S&M or jist baps hingin oot? (as observed one hoor down the harbour in broad daylight!!)
Well! It depends on the hoor. The time my upstairs neighbour and I were out the back cutting down a tree (see this post), the hoor was wearing saggy black fishnets, scuffed black stillettoes and a stretchy old maroon jumper that only just covered her (equally saggy) bum. The ebony diva hoors are always very classy when you see them (usually leaving the tennement) and always have a lot of bling... There is one hoor that could do with a bit of advice from Trinny and Susanna though. (She's the one with the face like a smacked arse I was talking about). She's more your traditional black miniskirt, corned beef legs, stilletto ankle boots, and bright pink top wi' baps hingin' oot! I was looking for an online dressing-up doll so I could do regular "Today the Hoors are Mostly Wearing...! posts complete with pics, but I've not found a good enough one yet. If anyone knows of a good one... let me know!
Is Suzie Quattro REALLY your neighbour!?
Uh. No? That was a joke? It's just someone that looks like her. *makes a blank face*
You appear to be spending an unhealthy amount of time writing about your neighbours
Honestly! Look at how often I post. Once a week? It takes about... hmmmm. Half an hour per post maximum? (And that's if I'm having a REAL rant).
Do your sums.
(And then calculate how often YOU spend blogging my friends!)
What is a punter?
I didn't know this wasn't part of American-speak! :D So I did a post about it especially for you guys. And here it is! :)
Is there REALLY a one-legged-hoor down at the harbour?
Yes. I heard this rumour about 2 years ago but didn't believe it. Thanks to a gossiping taxi driver I now know the truth. Apparently the poor girl lost her leg through drug mis-use :(
Are You John?
Uh. No. *looks confused*